How the Church Can Better Support Singles
I have this conversation with church-going single folk pretty regularly. It goes something like this:
“I know I am not worth less than married people, but it feels like I am worth less than married people.”
Which is interesting, because scripture celebrates singleness equally - if not more - than marriage. Most pastors (who are almost always married, by the way) would preach about singleness as a virtue, would explain how Jesus himself was single and it is not a less worthy journey to be on. But the implicit messaging that singles receive is something quite different.
It’s everything from engagement and pregnancy announcements made from the platform, to themes of marriage and family centered in sermon illustrations, to questions of “why aren’t you putting yourself out there?” being innocently asked of single people. Whether you hear it from the platform or you hear it within the pews, the implied message is clear: marriage denotes worth. And if you’re single, you’re missing out somehow.
We won’t even get into how, in some traditions, marriage is a woman’s only proximity to power and security. Or how, in those same traditions, single women are seen as temptations at worst and people men should refrain entering friendship with at best.
The explicit messages and the implied ones are in conflict with one another, and many single people feel frustrated, lonely, and even ashamed.
So, how can the church better support singles? Here are some ideas:
Increase focus on developing healthy friendships, not just marriages and families.
Reduce marriage metaphors in sermons. It makes sense that we use them as scripture is full of them and most pastors and teachers in evangelical traditions are married, but it’s not relatable to a large portion of the audience. Get creative.
Empower more single people with leadership. Look at your church staff and core leaders. How many are single? How many are partnered? When is the last time a single person taught the Sunday message?
Ask single people to be involved in decision-making and planning.
Intentionally celebrate non-romantic milestones like graduations, new jobs, and moving out on one’s own.
Like, can we please make “moving out” showers a regular thing? I’m happy for the newlyweds and all, but they (probably) have a dual income now. Let’s buy a 22 year old new graduate some cutlery, shall we?
Reduce assumptions that single people want to be married. If you keep asking the single people in your world how they’re going to find someone, if they’ve been on dates recently, or if anyone’s “on the horizon”, you continue to imply that their partnership status is important.
Sidenote: also notice how often you assume the people you are talking to are heterosexual. If they haven’t told you, you don’t know. So maybe don’t assume the woman wants a husband, or the man wants a wife. But that’s a whole topic for another time.
Add meal trains and supports for other experiences, in addition to new babies and losses. What if we had meal trains for a student in exam season? The congregant navigating mental health challenges? The person starting a new job?
Less focus on gender splitting through gendered events and groups. Focus more on how to build healthy friendships, regardless of gender, and on bringing people of diverse identities together, rather than apart.
Spicy take: Maybe…. get rid of the “young marrieds” small group bible study?
We’ve been doing things one way for awhile. I wonder what would happen if we started intentionally changing the implied narrative to match the one that is often explicitly stated: everyone matters, equally. Let’s celebrate them all, as such.