The REAL Reason You're Single
This post was originally written for The Middle, a mid-monthly newsletter on life in the in-between spaces. Find more writings and subscribe here.
“Why don’t you just put yourself out there?” They ask. Sometimes it’s with an earnest look on their face. At others, it’s asked with a veneer of confusion.
No matter the tone, the implication is there: if you put yourself out there, you’ll find a partner. They fail to explain, however, where there actually is. Is that like, a coffee shop? Can you airdrop me the address?
To be honest, I’ve never known how to respond to this question. By all intents and purposes, I am “out there”. I’ve done the apps. I’ve gone on dates. I spend time in public spaces. I have hobbies that involve connecting with other people I might otherwise have never crossed paths with. I have a fairly wide social net. If anything, I would like to spend less time “out there” (where my fellow introverts at?)
And even with all of that, I am single.
The difference for me at this stage in my life, though, is I’m okay with it.
(Disclaimer: Most of the time. Singleness is like any other human experience. It has wonderful moments, moments it doesn’t cross my mind, and moments of grief. Marriage will be the same).
For many, singleness feels like the middlest of middles. You had an expectation of marriage by 25 and two children by 30, and life feels somehow on hold until that happens, like you haven’t fully arrived.
Or, perhaps, a relationship did happen. And the heartbreak was real and agonizing. And now you’re in your fifties and scrolling past someone’s 25th wedding anniversary post and there’s that feeling again.
The less-than feeling.
The “something must be wrong with me” feeling.
And then you rack your brain to figure it out. There must be an answer.
So, here it is.
The real reason you are single is simple. You have not yet encountered a person you would consider to be a suitable partner, who also feels the same towards you.
That’s it.
It is not because you haven’t put yourself out there. It is not because you aren’t on the apps. It is not because of your body size. It is not because you are somehow “less” than others. It is not because you are too strong or too soft. It is not because you have an invisible sign on your forehead that flashes towards every potential partner with the words “DON’T TALK TO ME”.
It is because it simply hasn’t happened.
And the fact that it hasn’t happened has nothing to do with who you are. There is nothing wrong with you. You matter just as much on your own as you do when you are partnered. You are just as worthy of love.
In fact, the greatest gift of all is that God loves you. Maybe we’ve made a mistake by making marriage an idol in the church. How sad is it that the love of God feels less desirable than the love of another? That we’ve been made to believe that we will finally matter when we stand at the altar, and not when Jesus stood with the cross on his wounded back?
You, single. You, partnered. Neither make you more whole, more purposeful, or more valued. That was already done for you on the cross.
So, go. Get out there, but not to find somebody. Get out there to live the life God has given you. Live a life of grief and joy, fullness and lack, buoyed by the constant love of Christ. I can’t tell you that you’ll find someone. That the grief will go away for good. I wish I could.
But I think you’ll find that life is beautiful in its fullness, whether a partner is with you, or not.